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Devastated Pitt Student Had No Idea There Was An Election

PITTSBURGH, PA— Mitchell Barber, a Pitt Sophomore, was utterly aghast upon learning that the election had passed him by. “I was like, shit, that was this year?” Barber told the Pitifu...

Reasons We'd Believe Panther Pit Will Be Raided

Pitt Student Surprised to Learn Poor Mood Result of Self-Destructive Habits

In a shocking turn of events this morning, Junior Lucas Strasburg discovered that his long-running mental slump has been the result of his self-destructive habits and tendencies. Alth...

Study finds most useless major is one you, the reader, have

PITTSBURGH, PA—In a surprising new paper, sure to send shockwaves across your department, a multi-part investigative study has found that your major, dear reader, is, in fact, the wor...

Insider Report: NASA Frantically Trying to Fake Landing on Earth’s Temporary Mini-Moon

If you’re a massive nerd or someone who blames all your problems on the phases of the moon (we’re looking at you, lycanthropes), you might have heard that Earth will temporarily have ...

My Acceptable Gingers

Regardless of politics, backgrounds, and your steak temperature preference, we can all agree that gingers are what’s holding modern society back from achieving a future like the one f...

We Asked 100 Pitt Students What WVU Stands For

Here’s what they said:.West Virginia’s UndiesWoefully Vast UnderworldWomen Vote? UghWestern Virginia UniversityWest Vermin UniversityWest Vagrant UniversityWest Viagra UniversityWest ...

Pitt Clubs “Finally Get It” After Reveal That All Internal Communications in SORC is Handled by One Very Overworked Carrier Pigeon

In a recent email to Pitt organization officers, SORC staff apologized for a temporary freeze in deposits and distributions, explaining that “Herald” had broken his wing which would i...

To Our Surprise, 'Pittsburgh Popcorn Company' in Oakland Actually Not Front for the Mob

Have you ever seen anyone enter or leave from the popcorn shop on Fifth Avenue? Have you ever even noticed anyone working behind the counter, or witnessed a stranger walking along, ea...

Pitt Students Celebrate Irrevocable Effects of Climate Change With Games, Festivities

This afternoon Pitt students could be seen on the Cathedral Lawn and in Schenley Plaza enjoying concerning levels of ultraviolet and thermal radiation. To celebrate the ever-increasin...

Interview at the Briney Pickle

The Briney Pickle, the new deli station for the renovated Eatery, opened recently. We, as one of Pitt’s newspapers (arguably the better one), got to have a one-on-one interview with t...

The Pitiful News Best Of 2024

The Pitiful News’ annual “Best Of” survey gives a bunch of nerds wasting their Monday nights the chance to rank their favorite shops and people in Pittsburgh.

The Pitiful News Guide to 2024 SGB Elections

On February 27, Pitt undergrads (except for those losers in the College of General Studies) will cast their votes for Student Government Board for the 2024-25 academic year. Each stud...

Fundraisers Shocked to Learn College Students are also in Need of Money

Approaching a group of students this evening, fundraiser Jesse Jenkins was hoping to collect a few dollars for the local chapter of Children’s Rescue Area Program (C.R.A.P.), but was ...

Busted! Chancellor Gabel Caught Red-Handed Pulling Fire Alarm to Dispel Union Rally

On January 30 at 12:45 pm, the fire alarm was pulled in the Cathedral of Learning, forcing an evacuation of the entire building. After arriving on the scene, the Pittsburgh Bureau of ...

Spring Panhellenic Recruitment Swarms WPU

On the weekend of January 13-14, Pitt’s Collegiate Panhellenic Association (Panhel) took over the William Pitt Union for their annual sorority recruitment event. Bravely clad in skirt...

Exclusive: A Look Inside the Conduct Violation Hearing for Student Protestors

At the Board of Trustees meeting on September 29, the activist groups Trans Action Building and Fossil Free Pitt were escorted out after repeatedly interrupting the proceedings (you c...

Students at Ease After Child Prodigy Calls Class “No Big Deal”

The end of the add-drop period is usually a hectic, panic-driven time for students. Some try to squeeze into the best section for a class, per www.RateMyProfessors.com. Others need to...

We asked 100 Pitt Students: What does the ‘T.A’ in Joan T.A. Gabel stand for?

Contrary to popular belief, the T.A. in Pitt Chancellor Joan T.A. Gabel’s name does not stand for teaching assistant! In fact, no one in the world except the big boss herself has disc...

The crows swarming Pitt’s campus signal the end of days. Here’s how you should prepare.

As you have probably noticed, recently, our campus has been plagued by an apparently unexpected bird migration. The birds–common crows–perch on the treetops, unloading on students and...

Pitt Power Outage Notice Affects One Person

On December 17th at around 1:30 AM, Pitt sent out a notice to the community that the power would be out until around 3:00 AM. Most of the students were not in the dorms, as they had m...

4 Tips on How to Survive the 3 Weeks After Thanksgiving but Before Christmas

Have you realized how much the next three weeks are going to suck? Are you stressed beyond belief? Did you procrastinate the entire second half of the semester saying “Oh, I’ll get ca...

Pitt Merch Alert! The Pitt Shop releases “Perfumed at Pitt” collection of candles inspired by the aromas of Pitt’s Oakland campus

On Friday, November 10th, the Official Pitt Shop announced a line of new scented candles– inspired by the memorable smells students can find on the University of Pittsburgh’s campus. ...

University Announces Plans to Remove Escalators Across Campus

The University of Pittsburgh announced in an email sent to students at 5:23 a.m. Monday morning plans to remove all escalators from academic and residential buildings effective immedi...

Opinion: It's a shame adults can't go trick-or-treating

You know, when I was a kid, me and my friends would go trick-or-treating and get really into it. Like I found the people giving out the king-sized candy bars and had multiple costumes...

Joan Gabel Named Leading Suspect in Grizzly Murders of Union Members

The University of Pittsburgh’s Chancellor, Joan Gabel, was recently named the leading suspect in a string of brutal murders that occurred this past weekend. All of the victims were ei...

Opinion: The Cathedral is a Phallic Stain Upon This Campus

I’ll be the first one to say it – the cathedral’s got to go. It’s not because it’s old, or poorly lit inside. It’s not because the desks are falling apart and the bathroom is always o...

World Peace on Hold as UN Adjourns for Early Lunch

At a quarter to noon this morning, the United Nations took a recess for a midday meal, hoping that the delegates would be able to “beat the downtown traffic,” per spokeswoman Candice ...

Best Places to Puke on Campus (Verified)

Flu season is here and with it brings that suffocating sickly air that permeates the nostrils and scrambles the brains around. We at The Pitiful News recognize that it can be difficul...

Kitchen Hacks for Busy Moms on the Run

Hey moms! We all have those days. John has to get picked up from school and dropped off at karate, Lacy needs poster board for her project due tomorrow, and you still have to make it ...

Eatery to Introduce NFTs to dining experience

The Eatery, along with many other dining halls found at other NCAA Div 1 schools, have started a line of NFTs which consist of the college logos as pixel art. The “art” will grant buy...

Protests briefly disrupt Board of Trustees meeting; administrators displeased

A series of disruptive actions interrupted the University of Pittsburgh’s Board of Trustees meeting on September 29. In the aftermath, administrators’ feelings on the disruptions rang...

Brave police and security guards hold back ruthless Pitt students from rushing the field after upset win

On Saturday, October 14th, the Pittsburgh Panthers pulled off a shocking upset win against undefeated ACC opponent Louisville. Coming into the matchup at Acrisure Stadium Heinz Field,...

Professor Apologizes After Rescheduling Office Hours No One Planned to Attend to Begin With

In an email memo sent out this afternoon, HIST 0187 Professor Fulcrum Banks apologized profusely for rescheduling his Wednesday office hours from 12-1 pm to 2-3 pm EST. Banks cited a ...

Oakland’s Vigilantes Plead Residents to Refrain From Screaming “Help” in Middle of Night Unless in Sincere Danger

Many of Oakland’s very own amateur crimestoppers have begun to speak out against a viral trend where participants out in public loudly scream that they are in peril and require immedi...

Dr. Oz declared winner of Pennsylvania Senate race after thousands of absentee ballots arrive from New Jersey at the 11th hour

In a shocking turn of events, noted pseudoscientist and Harvard alumnus Dr. Mehmet Oz has been declared the winner of the Pennsylvania senate race after thousands of mail-in ballots p...

Nordenberg Hall sets fire to its own residents in a bout of revenge, Resident Director claims

On Saturday, September 17th, Nordenberg Hall experienced its third fire-related evacuation of the semester. The hall, mainly inhabited by freshman students and misfortunate Resident A...

University of Pittsburgh Dining Hall Gets Name Change

As of October 1, 2022, The Eatery at Towers will now go by the name of The Shittery. This name change comes after multiple gastroenterologists at the University of Pittsburgh Medical ...

South Oakland Announces Rebrand to ‘Soak Land’ for Summer Season, Replaces Sidewalks with Slip-and-Slides

Today, officials of Pittsburgh’s best and brightest neighborhood announced a change that might take some getting used to. In a shocking move, the home for most of the University of Pi...

Opinion: It’s Time to Repeal the Third Amendment

Okay, okay, settle down now. I know that all of you 3rd Amendment stans might take this the wrong way, but I can assure you that I will have changed your mind on this subject by the e...

The Best LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga Easter Eggs You Probably Missed!

The brand new LEGO Star Wars game is finally here, and it’s everything we’ve been waiting for! Outside of the amazing main storyline, there are TONS of quirky easter eggs hidden aroun...

I’m a Russian Sleeper Agent

I don’t want to sound ungrateful but, I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I mean this is not new, I have been waiting for years and I have not gotten any more instructions. Also,...

An All-encompassing Guide to the 2022 Final Four

Well, well, well. Look who’s back. Your bracket is busted, your hopes and dreams have been ground into little chunks, and you need some last-ditch betting advice to afford a rose for ...

Celebrating Encanto’s Run on the Billboard Hot 100

Disney’s smash-hit animated movie Encanto makes history with its song “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”, which held the number one spot of the Billboard Hot 100 for just over 5 weeks after ...

Questionable Roommate Pact: Pitt Student Forced into Lifetime Indentured Servitude

Let’s face it: none of us take the time to read the terms and conditions. They are far too long, and far too boring. What could even be there, right? After all, terms and conditions a...

Pitt student sued by port authority after being run over by a bus

Breaking News, a Pitt student is being sued by the Port Authority after being run over by a bus. The Port Authority is suing for 12.5 million dollars as that is the damage his limp bo...