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By DateBy CategoryWe Asked 100 Pitt Students What WVU Stands For
Here’s what they said:.West Virginia’s UndiesWoefully Vast UnderworldWomen Vote? UghWestern Virginia UniversityWest Vermin UniversityWest Vagrant UniversityWest Viagra UniversityWest ...
In Sports, Sep 13, 2024
Pitt Clubs “Finally Get It” After Reveal That All Internal Communications in SORC is Handled by One Very Overworked Carrier Pigeon
In a recent email to Pitt organization officers, SORC staff apologized for a temporary freeze in deposits and distributions, explaining that “Herald” had broken his wing which would i...
In Student Life, Apr 01, 2024
To Our Surprise, 'Pittsburgh Popcorn Company' in Oakland Actually Not Front for the Mob
Have you ever seen anyone enter or leave from the popcorn shop on Fifth Avenue? Have you ever even noticed anyone working behind the counter, or witnessed a stranger walking along, ea...
In Food and Culture, Apr 01, 2024
Pitt Students Celebrate Irrevocable Effects of Climate Change With Games, Festivities
This afternoon Pitt students could be seen on the Cathedral Lawn and in Schenley Plaza enjoying concerning levels of ultraviolet and thermal radiation. To celebrate the ever-increasin...
In Student Life, Apr 01, 2024
Interview at the Briney Pickle
The Briney Pickle, the new deli station for the renovated Eatery, opened recently. We, as one of Pitt’s newspapers (arguably the better one), got to have a one-on-one interview with t...
In Food and Culture, Apr 01, 2024
The Pitiful News Best Of 2024
The Pitiful News’ annual “Best Of” survey gives a bunch of nerds wasting their Monday nights the chance to rank their favorite shops and people in Pittsburgh.
In Student Life, Apr 01, 2024
The Pitiful News Guide to 2024 SGB Elections
On February 27, Pitt undergrads (except for those losers in the College of General Studies) will cast their votes for Student Government Board for the 2024-25 academic year. Each stud...
In Politics, Feb 26, 2024
Fundraisers Shocked to Learn College Students are also in Need of Money
Approaching a group of students this evening, fundraiser Jesse Jenkins was hoping to collect a few dollars for the local chapter of Children’s Rescue Area Program (C.R.A.P.), but was ...
In Student Life, Feb 26, 2024
Busted! Chancellor Gabel Caught Red-Handed Pulling Fire Alarm to Dispel Union Rally
On January 30 at 12:45 pm, the fire alarm was pulled in the Cathedral of Learning, forcing an evacuation of the entire building. After arriving on the scene, the Pittsburgh Bureau of ...
In Current, Jan 30, 2024
Spring Panhellenic Recruitment Swarms WPU
On the weekend of January 13-14, Pitt’s Collegiate Panhellenic Association (Panhel) took over the William Pitt Union for their annual sorority recruitment event. Bravely clad in skirt...
In Student Life, Jan 24, 2024
Exclusive: A Look Inside the Conduct Violation Hearing for Student Protestors
At the Board of Trustees meeting on September 29, the activist groups Trans Action Building and Fossil Free Pitt were escorted out after repeatedly interrupting the proceedings (you c...
In Current, Jan 24, 2024
Students at Ease After Child Prodigy Calls Class “No Big Deal”
The end of the add-drop period is usually a hectic, panic-driven time for students. Some try to squeeze into the best section for a class, per www.RateMyProfessors.com. Others need to...
In Student Life, Jan 22, 2024
We asked 100 Pitt Students: What does the ‘T.A’ in Joan T.A. Gabel stand for?
Contrary to popular belief, the T.A. in Pitt Chancellor Joan T.A. Gabel’s name does not stand for teaching assistant! In fact, no one in the world except the big boss herself has disc...
In Current, Jan 12, 2024
The crows swarming Pitt’s campus signal the end of days. Here’s how you should prepare.
As you have probably noticed, recently, our campus has been plagued by an apparently unexpected bird migration. The birds–common crows–perch on the treetops, unloading on students and...
In Current, Dec 21, 2023
Pitt Power Outage Notice Affects One Person
On December 17th at around 1:30 AM, Pitt sent out a notice to the community that the power would be out until around 3:00 AM. Most of the students were not in the dorms, as they had m...
In Student Life, Dec 17, 2023
4 Tips on How to Survive the 3 Weeks After Thanksgiving but Before Christmas
Have you realized how much the next three weeks are going to suck? Are you stressed beyond belief? Did you procrastinate the entire second half of the semester saying “Oh, I’ll get ca...
In Student Life, Nov 14, 2023
Pitt Merch Alert! The Pitt Shop releases “Perfumed at Pitt” collection of candles inspired by the aromas of Pitt’s Oakland campus
On Friday, November 10th, the Official Pitt Shop announced a line of new scented candles– inspired by the memorable smells students can find on the University of Pittsburgh’s campus. ...
In Current, Nov 14, 2023
University Announces Plans to Remove Escalators Across Campus
The University of Pittsburgh announced in an email sent to students at 5:23 a.m. Monday morning plans to remove all escalators from academic and residential buildings effective immedi...
In Student Life, Nov 13, 2023
Opinion: It's a shame adults can't go trick-or-treating
You know, when I was a kid, me and my friends would go trick-or-treating and get really into it. Like I found the people giving out the king-sized candy bars and had multiple costumes...
In Opinion, Oct 31, 2023
Joan Gabel Named Leading Suspect in Grizzly Murders of Union Members
The University of Pittsburgh’s Chancellor, Joan Gabel, was recently named the leading suspect in a string of brutal murders that occurred this past weekend. All of the victims were ei...
In Current, Oct 29, 2023
Opinion: The Cathedral is a Phallic Stain Upon This Campus
I’ll be the first one to say it – the cathedral’s got to go. It’s not because it’s old, or poorly lit inside. It’s not because the desks are falling apart and the bathroom is always o...
In Opinion, Oct 25, 2023
World Peace on Hold as UN Adjourns for Early Lunch
At a quarter to noon this morning, the United Nations took a recess for a midday meal, hoping that the delegates would be able to “beat the downtown traffic,” per spokeswoman Candice ...
In Politics, Oct 23, 2023
Best Places to Puke on Campus (Verified)
Flu season is here and with it brings that suffocating sickly air that permeates the nostrils and scrambles the brains around. We at The Pitiful News recognize that it can be difficul...
In Student Life, Oct 18, 2023
Kitchen Hacks for Busy Moms on the Run
Hey moms! We all have those days. John has to get picked up from school and dropped off at karate, Lacy needs poster board for her project due tomorrow, and you still have to make it ...
In Food and Culture, Oct 17, 2023
Eatery to Introduce NFTs to dining experience
The Eatery, along with many other dining halls found at other NCAA Div 1 schools, have started a line of NFTs which consist of the college logos as pixel art. The “art” will grant buy...
In Food and Culture, Oct 17, 2023
Protests briefly disrupt Board of Trustees meeting; administrators displeased
A series of disruptive actions interrupted the University of Pittsburgh’s Board of Trustees meeting on September 29. In the aftermath, administrators’ feelings on the disruptions rang...
In Current, Oct 16, 2023
Brave police and security guards hold back ruthless Pitt students from rushing the field after upset win
On Saturday, October 14th, the Pittsburgh Panthers pulled off a shocking upset win against undefeated ACC opponent Louisville. Coming into the matchup at Acrisure Stadium Heinz Field,...
In Sports, Oct 16, 2023
Professor Apologizes After Rescheduling Office Hours No One Planned to Attend to Begin With
In an email memo sent out this afternoon, HIST 0187 Professor Fulcrum Banks apologized profusely for rescheduling his Wednesday office hours from 12-1 pm to 2-3 pm EST. Banks cited a ...
In Student Life, Sep 29, 2023
Oakland’s Vigilantes Plead Residents to Refrain From Screaming “Help” in Middle of Night Unless in Sincere Danger
Many of Oakland’s very own amateur crimestoppers have begun to speak out against a viral trend where participants out in public loudly scream that they are in peril and require immedi...
In Student Life, Sep 29, 2023
Dr. Oz declared winner of Pennsylvania Senate race after thousands of absentee ballots arrive from New Jersey at the 11th hour
In a shocking turn of events, noted pseudoscientist and Harvard alumnus Dr. Mehmet Oz has been declared the winner of the Pennsylvania senate race after thousands of mail-in ballots p...
In Politics, Nov 15, 2022
Nordenberg Hall sets fire to its own residents in a bout of revenge, Resident Director claims
On Saturday, September 17th, Nordenberg Hall experienced its third fire-related evacuation of the semester. The hall, mainly inhabited by freshman students and misfortunate Resident A...
In Student Life, Oct 18, 2022
University of Pittsburgh Dining Hall Gets Name Change
As of October 1, 2022, The Eatery at Towers will now go by the name of The Shittery. This name change comes after multiple gastroenterologists at the University of Pittsburgh Medical ...
In Food and Culture, Oct 05, 2022
South Oakland Announces Rebrand to ‘Soak Land’ for Summer Season, Replaces Sidewalks with Slip-and-Slides
Today, officials of Pittsburgh’s best and brightest neighborhood announced a change that might take some getting used to. In a shocking move, the home for most of the University of Pi...
In Current, Jul 11, 2022
Opinion: It’s Time to Repeal the Third Amendment
Okay, okay, settle down now. I know that all of you 3rd Amendment stans might take this the wrong way, but I can assure you that I will have changed your mind on this subject by the e...
In Opinion, Jun 07, 2022
The Best LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga Easter Eggs You Probably Missed!
The brand new LEGO Star Wars game is finally here, and it’s everything we’ve been waiting for! Outside of the amazing main storyline, there are TONS of quirky easter eggs hidden aroun...
In Entertainment, May 05, 2022
I’m a Russian Sleeper Agent
I don’t want to sound ungrateful but, I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I mean this is not new, I have been waiting for years and I have not gotten any more instructions. Also,...
In Politics, Apr 06, 2022
An All-encompassing Guide to the 2022 Final Four
Well, well, well. Look who’s back. Your bracket is busted, your hopes and dreams have been ground into little chunks, and you need some last-ditch betting advice to afford a rose for ...
In Sports, Apr 02, 2022
Celebrating Encanto’s Run on the Billboard Hot 100
Disney’s smash-hit animated movie Encanto makes history with its song “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”, which held the number one spot of the Billboard Hot 100 for just over 5 weeks after ...
In Entertainment, Mar 16, 2022
Questionable Roommate Pact: Pitt Student Forced into Lifetime Indentured Servitude
Let’s face it: none of us take the time to read the terms and conditions. They are far too long, and far too boring. What could even be there, right? After all, terms and conditions a...
In Student Life, Mar 08, 2022
Pitt student sued by port authority after being run over by a bus
Breaking News, a Pitt student is being sued by the Port Authority after being run over by a bus. The Port Authority is suing for 12.5 million dollars as that is the damage his limp bo...
In Student Life, Mar 08, 2022
Featured
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Nordenberg Hall sets fire to its own residents in a bout of revenge, Resident Director claims
In Student Life, -
University of Pittsburgh Dining Hall Gets Name Change
In Food and Culture, -
The Best LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga Easter Eggs You Probably Missed!
In Entertainment, -
Questionable Roommate Pact: Pitt Student Forced into Lifetime Indentured Servitude
In Student Life,