The Briney Pickle, the new deli station for the renovated Eatery, opened recently. We, as one of Pitt’s newspapers (arguably the better one), got to have a one-on-one interview with them. The names are censored for reasons. Here is the transcript:
Pitiful News (PN): Hi. I’m so glad that you have the time for me to talk to you. How are you feeling about being the newest Eatery station?
Briney Pickle (BP): Pretty good honestly. We are so excited to bring you the most cost-effective soups and sandwiches available.
PN: That’s good to hear. Now can you expand on what you mean by “most cost-effective”?
BP: Yes. If we were making a Reuben one day, we would take a single slice of corned beef from the sickliest cow around. To clarify, the corned beef would be from a dumpster behind an Aldi’s. We then add the holes of Swiss cheese to it, and then drown it in 1 Island dressing and sauerkraut substitute.
PN: What is 1 Island dressing?
BP: It is mayo with less flavor.
PN: What is a sauerkraut substitute?
BP: Vinegar, salt, and newspaper for the texture.
PN: Makes sense. Now how would you make it so the bread wouldn’t get soggy?
BP: Well you see, we developed a type of bread product that is 99% plastic. We have to note and tell students that it is legally distinct from bread. We put the warning in a place where if you clip the camera out of bounds at a certain angle, you can see it for a frame.
PN: Now what do you mean by cost-effective soups?
BP: The big example of that is tomato soup, we just buy some of the red sauce from the pasta station and label it as “soup”. No one has challenged us on this yet, meaning we are legally in the clear.
PN: Now what about chicken soup?
BP: What about chicken soup?
PN: Like, how do you make it cost-effective?
BP: Oh, so we buy chicken beaks, turn it into a fine powder, and then add a ¼ teaspoon to every gallon of water for the chicken essence. We then think really hard about adding vegetables to the soup, like La Croix does with its seltzers. We then serve it to the students.
PN: While I must admit it is cost-effective, do you think that the students will enjoy it?
BP: How dare you think of the students enjoying their sustenance! Get out! Get out now!
We were then escorted out of the Eatery by security.