As you have probably noticed, recently, our campus has been plagued by an apparently unexpected bird migration. The birds–common crows–perch on the treetops, unloading on students and passers-by alike, and only daunted by the heroic so-called “Crow-Scarers” Pitt has employed to disperse the birds. Pitt’s “Crow-Scaring Brigade” has unified against the scourge of crows in the past few months, with one member reporting to the Pitiful News, “We are the only thing standing in the way of a shit-ridden campus. Trust me, the sidewalks would be looking much worse if not for our dedicated Scarers”. The Scarers have wielded everything from two dust pans (resembling orchestral cymbals) to airhorns, to which students have responded enthusiastically. A user on the anonymous shitposting platform, SideChat, said that “the airhorns are not a slay,” while an elderly pedestrian on campus reported that he dove for cover, claiming he experienced “’Nam flashbacks.” With these phenomena occurring more and more frequently, there has been widespread concern among astrophysicists, occultists, and various other scholars that the mass crow migration through Pittsburgh signals that the end of days is near. These scholars have named the imminent apocalypse “Crowmaggedon.”.
As Pitt students, this may be concerning for us to hear (although for some it may mean not having to take an exam or two, which many consider a plus), but there’s nothing to worry about. Here at The Pitiful News, we have compiled a comprehensive list of tasks for experienced doomsday-preppers and useless sheep alike that will help you survive Crowmaggedon.
1. Learn Archery.
The first thing we recommend you do to prepare for Crowmaggedon is to pick up some archery skills. Invest in a sturdy bow and arrow or crossbow, preferably steel reinforced. Birds have an apparent weakness for pointy flying projectiles, so you may want to stock up on anything that can be shot at high velocities and has a long target range.
2. Remove your sense of smell.
We recommend you get your olfactory bulbs (a.k.a. centers of smell perception in the brain) surgically removed. One large advantage the crows have over us humans is an immunity to the smell of their own shit. While we walk by the WPU and resist the urge to vomit in a bush, the crows are able to live among their own excrement. Removing your smell-sensing organs will protect you against the crows’ primary long-distance attack strategies.
3. Invest in protective gear.
According to the Kurtman Lab, an ecology lab at Pitt studying avian migration, the unprecedented number of crows concentrated in Oakland has led to their accelerated evolution. The lab has reported sightings of some individual crows’ droppings dissolving parts of the sidewalk. When tested for its chemical properties, the composition of the droppings was determined to be 43% sulfuric acid, 25% arsenic nitrate, 36% ammonia, and 3% blood of unknown origin. The lab tested the substance for destructive properties and found that the substance was capable of inducing psychosis in those exposed to its vapors and dissolving human flesh if in contact with the skin. the lab was subsequently contacted by the Department of Defense and National Guard, who raided the lab in full hazmat gear the next day, taking in the lab members for questioning and sealing the substance in a locked safe which can only be opened by codes held under high surveillance at the Pentagon. These lab members have not been seen since. Thus, we recommend that you invest in carbon fiber hats, umbrellas, and raincoats. You never know when corrosive shits might start raining from the sky.
4. Leave Pittsburgh.
This is only recommended if the National Guard is able to contain Crowmaggedon to the greater Pittsburgh area.
5. Submit.
If the crows capture you, remain calm. most of their power lies in the fear they instill. submit to whatever they subject you to. there’s no escape at that point so we recommend trying to make your imminent death less painful by not resisting.
6. Do nothing.
There is no escaping Crowmaggedon. Your only solace is accepting the inevitable doom of the human race. Fall into a state of existential dread. The crows are here, and there is no surviving their plight. We are mere mortals before the mighty crow. You may as well just give up now.
Hopefully, these tips and tricks will help you to survive Crowmaggedon. but beware, the crows are advancing into our territory. We must stand strong on the front lines. Stock up on essentials, do not resist if captured, and please, for the love of God, protect yourself from flying projectile shits.