The University of Pittsburgh announced in an email sent to students at 5:23 a.m. Monday morning plans to remove all escalators from academic and residential buildings effective immediately. This is due to them being broken all the time and not having the funds to fix them anymore.
“This is a terrific move by the university,” said Pitt athletic director Heather Lyke when asked for comment. “This will allow us to funnel…. I mean give more money to our football team. So what if kids can’t get to the second floor of the Pete, we need new jerseys!”
No plans have been made at this time as to when stairs or other means of transportation will be placed in affected buildings.
“I hope the escalators are replaced with a rock climbing wall,” says Pitt junior and certified gym bro Matthias Barnabás. “Walking up Cardiac Hill was already a part of my very extensive pre-workout routine. If I get to climb up a wall to get to the gym that would make my tuition even more worth it.”
This change has of course left some people angry with the new changes. Fixing the escalators around campus accounted for 75% of the work Pitt maintenance crews did in the fall semester of 2023.
“What the hell am I supposed to do now!” said Marty the maintenance guy who lives under Benedum Hall. “I knew this was coming when the escalator going to the second floor of Posvar broke and no work order came in to fix it. With no escalators to fix, I don’t know what else there will be to do on this perfect campus. All the automatic doors, AC systems, lights, Wi-Fi, and plumbing work absolutely perfectly, and have never had any issues ever.”
There are currently gaping holes in the buildings where the mighty escalators once stood. One can only hope they get replaced with something cool, like a slide. That would be pretty neat.