The Pitiful News My Acceptable Gingers

Regardless of politics, backgrounds, and your steak temperature preference, we can all agree that gingers are what’s holding modern society back from achieving a future like the one from Disney’s 2007 film Meet the Robinsons. Despite the shackles they place on humanity, here are 13 good gingers that I believe should be recognized as the advocates of their demographic.

Ed Sheeran

No matter how you feel about his music, this ginger has a monopoly on retail store radio stations. Not to mention the undeniable chokehold his 2017 “÷” album’s song “Perfect” has on white millennial wedding first dance songs. To be in the music industry since before 2009 and still be revered as one of the best in the industry is an achievement on its own, but to do so while being a ginger… give him a key to all the cities.

Wendy Thomas

Spicy nuggets, fries dipped in a chocolate frosty, AND the $5 biggie bag, no notes. The square burger is more than a little off-putting for me, but you can’t win ‘em all. She has always been an S-tier fast food chain and will hold that title until the economy crashes 1930s style. Being a ginger, a woman, and having chili as a fast food option is an insane résumé, you just have to give her the recognition she deserves. Miss Wendy, I love your work, keep it up, girl.

Daphne Blake

Allergic to fake designer? Nepo baby? Bagged Fred Jones? This is a ginger is an icon. She knows what she wants and gets it. She is outdoing the rest of the Mystery Gang every day and twice on Sundays. She was one of the first girlbosses I was ever introduced to and for that, she is one of my most respected gingers. Being a ginger in high fashion is a statement. In fashion, there is a lot of hate for the color orange but she’s making it work like her middle name is Clementine (it’s Ann).

Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap (1998)

She had everyone and their mothers convinced she had a twin when this movie came out. Hallie Parker and Annie James are two of my favorite characters in all of cinema. Putting together a bicontinental scheme to get your divorced (and hot) parents back together while fighting off your dad’s new sugar baby and changing accents will go down cinematic history. Hallie’s recognition of the girl crush that was “Tye-dye Girl” was a vital part of my childhood. Forever eating Oreos dipped in peanut butter.

Helen Parr, Elastigirl of Disney’s The Incredibles (2004) and The Incredibles 2 (2018)

A mother to three superpower-having children and having a husband committed to revealing their secret identities makes her stronger than any of us hope to be. She was Elastigirl before she was Mrs. Incredible and I will NOT stand for her erasure in the first Incredibles movie. Her reclaiming the Elastigirl name in Incredibles 2 was a win for women and gingers everywhere. She serves, literally. She’s a mother, literally.

Honey Mist Auburn Cody from The Suite Life of Zach and Cody “Rumors” S1.E15 (2005)

Honey, he did miss auburn, but what an accidental victory for ginger representation in the early 2000s. Truly, was there a better character to make box dye look this chic? Wanted a sense of individuality from your twin brother is normal (I think. I’m not a twin), and what better way to do that than to stunt on everyone in that hotel and be more of a fashion visionary than Miss London Tipton? I am disappointed they only kept this hair color on him for the one episode because we all know box dye lingers harder than The Cranberries and I honestly think it looks good on him.

Lightning McQueen from Disney’s Cars (2006), Cars 2 (2011), and Cars 3 (2017)

“Okay, here we go. Focus. Speed. I am speed. One winner, forty-two losers. I eat losers for breakfast. Breakfast? Maybe I should have had breakfast? Brekkie could be good for me. No, no, no, focus. Speed. Faster than fast, quicker than quick. I am Lightning.” What a way to convey the fiery spirit of this ginger within the first minute of this movie. He’s a seven-time Piston Cup winner (2006, 2007, 2009, 2010, 2012, 2013, and 2015) and has a custom Porsche 911 girlfriend. Who is doing it like this redhead?

The Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond

Is there a more iconic white woman on the Food Network? I don’t think so! Her stacked Wikipedia introduction as a blogger, food writer, television personality, and author of “The Pioneer Woman Cooks: Recipes from an Accidental Country Girl” means she’s compatible with at least 54% of all jobs on LinkedIn. Her Crockpot hasn’t seen a day of rest since the day she plugged it in. I’ve never imagined what a Le Creuset Dutch Oven would look like as a person, but with her holding that red one in front of her I can say with 100% certainty that that is what she would turn into if she was in Beauty and the Beast.

The Heat Miser, The Year Without a Santa Clause (1974)

He’s Mister Green Christmas. He’s Mister Sun. He’s Mister Heat Blister. Mister 101 himself. He’s rocking that yellow-to-red ombre look like it’s 2016 and he’s making it work. There is nothing I hate more in the world than stop-motion Claymation, but I have to recognize this redhead for his contribution to the demographic. Having a long-standing family feud with your weather-opposite half-brother (Snow Miser) that causes a major conflict in a movie where you aren’t the main character? The true spirit of a ginger man.

The St. Patrick’s Day College Ginger Run Winners (and only the winners)

These brave gingers face scrutiny 364 days of the year and let it fuel their passion in the form of a green alcoholic beverage-induced mad dash to become their college campus’s top ginger. These lucky little leprechauns make the March holiday that much more enjoyable and for that they have made the list above all the others. I once watched a ginger drink box wine out of a Lucky Charms box before competing and I think he could’ve outrun a train with that much ginger spirit coursing through his veins (he did end up falling and losing the race). This is how natural selection is supposed to happen. Keep running you ginger kids, you hold this holiday on your backs.

Garfield

A comic, a cartoon, a movie star, a lasagna enthusiast, and, above all, a ginger legend. Here we have yet another ginger with a sibling rivalry (Odie, they could never make me hate you). He’s a sassy little cat and with his attitude, he’s the true face of the ginger animal community. He was doing the smolder far before Tangled’s Flynn Ryder and, dare I say that he’s doing it better? Jim Davis, you have done a great service to the ginger community by having this icon in media for over 45 years.

Chappell Roan

Your favorite ginger’s favorite ginger.

Sauerkraut Saul of The Great Pierogi Race

A Pittsburgh ginger through and through. As my favorite Pittsburgh Pierogi, it would be a shame not to include this potato and cabbage-filled superstar in this list. He’s been running the same outfield track for 25 years and does it with vigor under that dazzling red cap. Some may claim he isn’t a true ginger but I’d argue there isn’t a better representative for this great city than this Polish pacer.

These 13 carrot tops are hallmarks for their people and should be on the Mount Rushmore of gingers. If the redheads ever need to appoint a council of representatives, this group is full of highly qualified candidates worthy of being the voice of 4-5% of the world’s population. Though many could make this list, it takes a special kind of ginger to overcome blind hatred and become as respected and iconic as these scarlet-haired individuals.