In a shocking turn of events this morning, Junior Lucas Strasburg discovered that his long-running mental slump has been the result of his self-destructive habits and tendencies. Although previously blaming his busy schedule, lack of sleep, and general introvertedness for his struggles, a retrospective of his daily routines has led him to this unexpected discovery.
The profound realization in question occurred shortly after Strasburg began his morning by queuing “Black Star” by Radiohead, “Touch” by Cigarettes After Sex, and “Fade into You” by Mazzy Star on Spotify only moments after waking up.
“I always start my day by listening to my favorite songs,” Strasburg told The Pitiful News, “It never occurred to me that they might be affecting my mental state.”
Further introspection into his screen habits also led to startling discoveries.
“Whenever I start to feel any level of anxiousness, nervousness, regret, unhappiness, doubt, insecurity, fear, loneliness, nostalgia, yearning, or boredom, I instinctively reach for my phone and start scrolling,” Strasburg admitted. “Who knew that not dealing with your emotions doesn’t actually make them go away forever?”
Friends close to Strasburg confirm that he is rarely seen not on his phone or wearing his headphones – seemingly in an attempt to stamp out any rational thought before it can even begin to take hold in his mind.
While he’s not procrastinating until the last moment to hopefully get a hit with a wave of anxiety that provides sufficient motivation to get work done or self-isolating in his room for long periods of time, Strasburg can be found walking alone at dusk, romanticizing the past and wondering what could have been.
Although he does admit “feeling a bit better” after his self-discovery journey, he reportedly has “no plans to change his behaviors.”
“I’d rather continue to intellectualize every feeling I’ve ever had for the rest of time than open up to another living person about it,” Strasburg disclosed. “And anyway, talking about any of this would disrupt my mysterious and nonchalant aura that I’ve been cultivating for some time.”
At press time, Lucas was spotted vague-posting on his Instagram story, desperately hoping that “a special someone” would swipe up just as Gatsby hoped to attract Daisy across the bay with his elaborate parties.