You know, when I was a kid, me and my friends would go trick-or-treating and get really into it. Like I found the people giving out the king-sized candy bars and had multiple costumes prepared so I could gaslight them into giving me more candy by pretending to be different people. Of course, this was all to pay off the Halloween King, Dino D’Agosta, whom I had borrowed $50K from, but that’s a different story.
The festivities in college are completely different however. I still owe $50K to Dino D’Agosta, but now everybody is going to parties with booze and not king-size candy bars, the only “currency” the Halloween King, Dino D’Agosta, takes. I tried paying him off with actual money, but he wouldn’t take it. I miss the wonder Halloween had. My friends were whacked by the Halloween gang for missing payments.
While adults have the responsibility to create a fun holiday experience for children and not be 3 months late on a payment to the Halloween King, Dino D’Agosta, who is now threatening to break my thumbs, we should not be deprived of the magic of trick-or-treating and having two unbroken thumbs. Particularly, South Oakland seems like a prime trick-or-treating neighborhood, and we are not recognizing this opportunity and using it to its full potential.
Many questions arise when considering the dilemma of adult trick-or-treating and a mob boss who pays real cash for payments of king-sized candy bars. Who would give out the candy with the adults out of the house? Why would you trade cash for candy? Seriously it seems like a bad idea with someone with two broken thumbs on the line by the Halloween King, Dino D’Agosta’s, top enforcer Lenny “The Thumb Breaker’’ Leibovitz. How does the top enforcer Lenny “The Thumb Breaker” Leibovitz even get paid? Is that where my candy is going? Lenny “The Thumb Breaker” Leibovitz is a fucking shmuck. He doesn’t deserve it.
Unfortunately, these questions seem ineffective and fairly dangerous. Perhaps we could all assign shifts and rotate the role of trick-or-treaters and candy giver-outers, thereby allowing me to dodge top enforcer Lenny “The Thumb Breaker” Leibovitz’s breaking of my thumbs. The logistics of this situation are a bit too complicated to pull off. I’m assuming with our current technology, we could develop a candy dispenser so I can pay off the Halloween King, Dino D’Agosta, but would every borrower have to pay for one? Capitalism has already tainted holidays enough.
I cannot seem to solve the lack of adult trick-or-treating or my thumbs not being broken soon, but what I do know is that Halloween is not enough of a priority for adults. The anticipation of Halloween night, the night where my thumbs are to be broken, was essential in curating the atmosphere of the entire season and should be replicated for anybody who wants to participate. Holidays are not designed for adults to have as much fun as children and also not for my thumbs to be broken because my payments are a year late to the Halloween King, Dino D’Agosta (I know you’re reading this Dino), but the excitement and fun should not end just because we arbitrarily age people out of trick-or-treating in high school, but weirdly not owing king-sized candy bars to a mob boss.
When people can’t participate in Halloween traditions for the majority of their lives, we underestimate the amount of fun they’re deprived of and the chances of being whacked by the Halloween gang due to missed payments. We still like sweets and dressing up as adults. The Halloween King, Dino D’Agosta, still likes king-sized candy bars and breaking people’s thumbs when they don’t pay. Of course, we can buy our own candy now, but Dino will know. Dino will know and whack you.
The inability to pull off adult trick-or-treating is a tragedy and something the greatest minds of our generation will continue to ponder for years to come.