Many of Oakland’s very own amateur crimestoppers have begun to speak out against a viral trend where participants out in public loudly scream that they are in peril and require immediate assistance, despite not being in any mortal danger at all. This puzzling fad has particularly affected those who have dedicated their nights and a part of their souls to stopping crime around the University of Pittsburgh’s campus by any means necessary. One of the neighborhood’s not-so-superheroes who publicly voiced their complaints about the recent TikTok craze is Spin-o-Rama, who became famous around Oakland last year for her ability to dual-wield popular ride-share brand Spin scooters like swords while fighting off attackers.
“It’s ridiculous. I voluntarily spend my nights patrolling the streets of Oakland to make this neighborhood safe, and I don’t need to be distracted by people who think it’s funny to pretend to be in danger,” said Spin-Woman. “I have to keep renting the scooters again every time I stop a criminal. It gets expensive!”
Spin-Woman went on to advocate for those who desire to scream into the darkness to instead yell positive things, such as “I am having a great time!” and, “I am completely safe, thank you!”
Some vigilantes described firsthand experiences of such occurrences directly impacting their performance on the job, such as Falconboy, an acrobatic defender of the peace who has supposedly broken over 3 arms with his signature Wing Whip - a move utilizing the bedsheet the crime fighter has fashioned into a makeshift glider (Falconboy refused to reveal if any of the broken arms had been his own).
“I have had it up to here with this stupid screaming!” said Falconboy, raising a hand as high above his 5’6” frame as he could to emphasize his disdain for the trend, which didn’t add up to much.
The masked, winged, claw-wearing individual claimed to be in pursuit of the legendary Cowboy Hat Thief before being distracted by a bloodcurdling cry of “Someone help me, please!”
Upon arriving at the scene, the hero was devastated to find a few dudes chilling on their porch drinking Iron City Light Mango flavored beer and listening to Steely Dan’s Aja without a care in the world or any regret for their actions.
“Please stop screaming unless you actually sniff need one of us to help you,” Falconboy begged, tears beginning to form. “Some of us actually take this super fricking seriously. I used the Center for Creativity to 3D print my helmet and I still have to put up with this crap. The vigilante world is not as fun as everyone thinks it is.”
No matter who you ask, one thing is clear - screaming “Somebody heeeeeeeelp!” in the dead of night might not be as harmless a hobby as one initially believes.