If you’re a massive nerd or someone who blames all your problems on the phases of the moon (we’re looking at you, lycanthropes), you might have heard that Earth will temporarily have a second moon, 2024 PT5, for the next two months. The asteroid is making a horseshoe path around Earth before returning to its usual orbit around the sun. This cosmic event is causing turmoil at NASA as so-called scientists rush to find a convincing way to fake a landing on the second moon.
At 2:00 AM last Thursday, one of our reporters “broke into” the private home of NASA Administrator Bill Nelson. When asked why they couldn’t send a rocket to land on Moon 2, like they allegedly did in 1969, Nelson said, “We just don’t have the funding to do that type of stuff anymore.”
“On our missions, we carefully open a hole in the firmament for the rocket to exit, then we let the astronauts camp out up there until the scheduled end of the mission,” he continued, sweat visible on his brow. “Those two people who were ‘stuck in space’ for a year were having a passionate love affair the whole time. Anyhow, we can’t afford to do this one for real, but the first one was real, guys, I promise.”
So what’s the big idea? NASA has been pulling the wool over our eyes for far too long. The Earth is flat, the moon landing was faked, and Panther Pit did nothing wrong. To prove it, I will be launching myself in a rocket through the glass dome that holds in the atmosphere directly into the depths of outer space. So, to quote another famous Buzz who has never actually been to space: “To infinity and beyond!”