1. Hiding Aliens
Alright, so there’s a small brown alien there who only eats Reese’s Pieces and wants to phone home, but it’s 2024, so no one uses a phone to call people, just to text or play games. Anyways, the feds got fucking ET, but he keeps escaping back to the Panther Pit. The authorities are not sure why the Panther Pit specifically, and there has been a community effort to relocate him.
2. Getting Their Liquor License Back…Somehow
Panther Pit somehow gets their liquor license back every once in a while, but that upsets the balance of the universe or timeline or something, so the Pennsylvania Liquor OCntrol Board has to continually restore it so this timeline doesn’t spontaneously end.
3. Cheese Smuggling
For some reason, certain cheeses are illegal in the US. So the Panther Pit is filling the niche by being a black market for these felonious fromages . As someone who cannot confirm nor deny their presence at an exchange, it is a wild time. Don’t worry food snobs, the cheeses do come with wine pairings, paid for by your cover fee, of course
4. Hosting a Squirrel Fight Club
“The first rule of Squirrel Fight Club is you do not talk about Squirrel Fight Club. The second rule of Squirrel Fight Club is you do not talk about Squirrel Fight Club. The last rule of squirrel fight club is if this is your first time at Squirrel Fight Club, you have to bring a squirrel (to fight on your behalf)” - the sign outside the entrance to the Squirrel Fight Club, hosted at Panther Pit.
5. Putting Nuclear Waste in the Food
Shit, my bad, this was meant for the list for The Eatery.
6. Illegally Screening Films
We’ve all seen those things at the beginning of movies that tell us the FBI will arrest us for seeing a movie illegally. In actuality, those warnings are meant for only the Panther Pit and not piracy sites, which you can access right now (that we have to “legally dissuade” you from visiting). There have been multiple raids over this.
7. Recreating the last half of Kill Bill: Part 1
As a person who grew up with a twin sister, I have learned that sometimes girls just want to kill their former friends, and most of the Yakuza with a katana in Japan. Panther Pit steps in as the venue. The police usually don’t like this, though, mostly because they don’t like Tarantino, not because they are misogynists.
8. The Pit’s Panther
They have a panther who lives there. His name is Dave. He’s cool. He gives me weed for free sometimes. Apparently, Dave can’t live indoors as he’s a panther and because it’s technically illegal to keep wild animals as pets, but honestly, he’s just a homebody.
9. Illegal Kid Casino
If there’s one thing we all know about kids, it’s that the children yearn for the thrill of gambling. That’s why every 3-4 weeks, Panther Pit busses in the local children in the local area and forces them into the basement, where they gamble heavily. They don’t know statistics and slot machines are the Cocomelon of gambling.
10. Violating Labor Laws, just kidding, Scheduled Monthly Police Raid
Self-explanatory. If you go onto the police’s website, you can see the date for the next scheduled raid right now. Somebody’s going to plan a huge block party around it.