Flu season is here and with it brings that suffocating sickly air that permeates the nostrils and scrambles the brains around. We at The Pitiful News recognize that it can be difficult staying safe and healthy during these chilly fall months, and want to provide helpful resources for our devoted readers. Thankfully, Pitt provides a plethora of pristine puking places, right on campus! Whether you’re suffering the effects of a rare illness, or an acute bout of anxiety, you can rest easy knowing that you can hurl your chunks in a number of A+ locations.
1. Second Floor Cathedral Bathrooms
You can’t go wrong coughing up your lunch in the Cathy bathrooms. With a seemingly endless amount of stalls, you’re definitely going to be able to secure a spot. The acoustics are perfect to catch the rebounding sound of you hacking right over the toilet seat. And, if you just can’t quite make it, there are plenty of sinks that work just as well. Just be mindful of the last two stalls in the back (and whatever family-friendly activity is going on within them).
2. Sewer Grate on Fifth Avenue
If you’re worried that puking might give off an unpleasant odor that will be off-putting to your peers, look no further than the Fifth Avenue sewer. Nothing shy of military grade chemical weapons can alter that already foul stench enjoyed by every passing pedestrian. No one’s nose will curdle anymore than usual after you’re done heaving right into the city water system. Bonus points if you can puke in the rain and get the water to wash it down the grate.
3. Study Room in Hillman
Although it requires booking in advance, the study rooms in the Hillman Library offer a quiet, isolated, judgment free zone for barfing. With remarkable sound-proofing potential, no one will know who/what caused those unremovable stains on the plush furniture. Whether you find yourself on the second or the fourth floor, know that there will be plenty of opportunity to dip out of the room and strategically relocate after doing the deed.
4. Out of the Window of the 37th Floor in the Cathedral
You can really put the “projectile” in projectile vomit with this one. Raining down lumps of partially-digested food onto passerbyers below never got easier. The height offers a great opportunity for particle spread, and on a windy day you can reach targets across the street. Make sure to use the elevator on the way up to increase the chances of tossing your cookies due to motion sickness.
5. Organic Chemistry Lecture, Tues. Thurs. 5-6:30 Chevron 152, 10/5/23 @ 5:36pm, Row 10, Seat 6
Although it does end up disrupting the lecture, it does provide a great excuse for getting out of class early. You may have to apologize awkwardly to your seat partner as you’ve completely covered them in your violent regurgitation. We recommend keeping your head down and walking quickly as you exit the room.
6. Carnegie Mellon
Anywhere really – they deserve it