The University of Pittsburgh’s Chancellor, Joan Gabel, was recently named the leading suspect in a string of brutal murders that occurred this past weekend. All of the victims were either local union leaders or supporters. As of Tuesday, a total of eight deaths have been confirmed by the Allegheny County Sheriff’s Office.
Gabel initially refused comment but later opened up to our investigative team. It should be noted that the following was spoken in a thick New York-Italian accent:
So a few of those greedy bastards go missing and suddenly they’re blaming me? Come on, I know I haven’t exactly seen eye-to-eye with them in the past, but I don’t play dirty. Listen, you want my real opinion? Those fuckers had it comin’. People should be thanking whoever put those goombas to bed.”
The case is currently being pursued as a RICO charge after the prosecution was unable to directly tie Gabel to the murders. Gabel is notorious for controlling Pittsburgh’s most diabolical crime syndicate from the highest floor of the Cathedral of Learning. One of the janitors who cleans Gabel’s office reached out to us, describing it as “a fucking supervillain lair.”
This isn’t the first group of murders associated with the Gabel crime family. Last year, several students from the University of Pittsburgh were found dead in the Allegheny River after refusing to remove “Pitt” from the name of their club.
The most recent development in the ongoing case occurred Monday when a key witness refused to testify. According to the District Attorney, the prosecution was “left with their dick in their hands.” Following these events, the trial has been postponed several weeks. Our team was able to contact the witness, who was willing to talk to us, provided their identity remained hidden. They claimed they were initially willing to cooperate with authorities, but changed their mind when they found a horse’s head in their bed Monday morning. They have since arranged to leave town and recommend anyone else in Gabel’s crosshairs do the same.
Since the initial charge, Gabel has been released on bail. Although she has remained out of the public eye, an anonymous informant told us they recently saw her smoking cigarillos at Tony’s Italian Eatery, asking for “another pizza-pie” and “some more gabagool.”
If you have information pertinent to the case, please refer it to the Allegheny County Sheriff’s Office.