On Friday, November 10th, the Official Pitt Shop announced a line of new scented candles– inspired by the memorable smells students can find on the University of Pittsburgh’s campus. The collection consists of 4 new candles, each recreating a classic smell found around campus. First, and most anticipated, No. 1: The Stench is based on the unique smell emanating from the sewers in front of the William Pitt Union, described by The Pittsburgh Gazette as “a smell unique to Pitt. The collection of scents of sewage, trash, car exhaust, and general despair has been the impetus for many incoming freshmen in their selection to attend Pitt”, according to a series of surveys the Gazette conducted of Pitt freshmen last fall. The Stench candle was announced last month to brew excitement for the merchandise drop; the Pitt Shop reported that they received over 700 pre-orders ahead of the highly anticipated collection announcement.
Their next scent is called No.2: Petersen Piss–which, according to the marketing executive behind the collection, Charles Hootenbury, brings to mind the “familiar scent of sweat, rusting iron, and accidentally letting a little bit out during a personal record squat”. The product is expected to be popular among athletes, with the Bridge on Forbes Apartments preparing for a large-scale change in their “signature scent,” of which when asked what it consists of the Bridge declined to disclose.
The candle named No.3: Elevator “Music” reportedly copies the smell often found in the Litchfield Towers’ elevators–particularly Tower B, reports a satisfied customer (Class of 2024) who spent her freshman year witnessing many projectile vomiting in the Tower B elevator. When asked for a comment, she told the Pitiful News, “Looking back, I remember that scent fondly. I remember the drunken nights and hungover days filled with excruciatingly long readings for Seminar in Composition and nicotine patches. Sometimes I wish I could go back, you know, to simpler times, I guess.”
But their most controversial aroma so far has been No. 4: The CS Smog. According to the label, the scent was extracted from a local computer science major’s dorm, and at first was too corrosive to burn in soy wax, which is the main ingredient in the candles. After sending the sample to the Schumer Lab at Chevron Science Center, it was stabilized and subsequently put into the CS Smog candle. In addition to the exclusive scent, CS Smog boasts a special feature: burning the wick releases a green haze that incapacitates anyone within a 10-foot radius (don’t worry, it’s “temporary”) designed to replicate the green cloud that follows Pitt’s computer science majors around during especially dry months.
The Pitt Shop also announced that their next merch drop will expand on their current “Pitt Perfumes”, with room sprays, incense, and beauty products carrying their signature scents. Stay tuned for the Pitiful News’ reviews of the new collection.