In a revolutionary new study released this week by the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, top researchers have pushed the boundaries of scientific understanding using words that I’ve never seen before and that are hard to pronounce. Upon reviewing these undoubtedly monumental findings, sure to change the course of medical practice worldwide, I was left feeling disoriented, turned around, and overall confused.
Although I am not a stranger to not understanding what I’m reading, this particular release of reports confuddled me beyond my usual sense of bewilderment. The sheer volume of words greater than three syllables, coupled with incessant references to outside source material, made my read downright incomprehensible. Especially unhelpful was the omission of obvious places to take a break, enjoy a warm beverage, and ask someone smarter than myself to explain in a way I could understand.
When asked for comment on the journalistic choices of their latest release, Pitt Publishing Provost Penelope Prufrock provided The Pitiful News with the following statement:
“Our literature is thoroughly scrutinized, edited, and reviewed by a variety of scientific sources before its eventual release. It’s our job to ensure the content of our publishing is just as needlessly complex, dense, and indigestible as any other paper put out by a similarly accredited institution.”
Although it is unclear if the School of Medicine will retract their latest scientific revelations considering my limited lexicon, it is safe to assume I will be taking my pleasure reading elsewhere. In the meantime, I’ll be picking up Tolkien’s Silmarillion or McCarthy’s Blood Meridian, which have been described to me as whimsical, light, and straightforward reads.