Wowee, we actually have a student government election this year!
In the last 2 elections, every board candidate was guaranteed a seat. With 13 candidates for 9 seats, including 2 bids for the presidency, this is the first time in 3 years that students have a choice in all parts of representation.
Because of the occasion, we here at The Pitiful News want to stress the importance of making the best possible choice. That is why we are endorsing Joan Gabel Jr. for Student Government Board.
Pitt students have proven time and time again that we aren’t capable of knowing what’s good for us. We should know better than to ask for such frivolous things as good food, a functioning shuttle system, and better accommodations. We may have lost our way, but Joan Gabel Jr. knows what really matters: more money for admin!
Gabel Jr.’s innovative budgetary proposal will revolutionize student life as we know it. Under her direction, the Student Activities Fee will go straight into funding an anti-union task force led by Chancellor Joan Gabel (no relation). This will keep $900,000 of funds from the greedy hands of student organizations and use that money to crack down on the people trying to make students’ lives easier. We’re going to build character by being miserable, and we’re gonna enjoy it.
But her innovation doesn’t stop there. Gabel Jr. also proposes that Student Government Board work towards dissolving itself completely, putting all power back in the trusted and careful hands of our overlords.
“We don’t need a voice for students on campus,” Gabel Jr. said at the Meet the Candidates event last week. “Caring about things is just too much work. We need to go back to the natural order, keeping ourselves simple and letting the important people control everything for us. Don’t you wish you had no idea what was happening ever?”
Yes, we do. We’re happy to get in the Joan Jr. jalopy and turn our brains off for a while. We here at The Pitiful News can confidently say that the best possible choice is to give up your power, and not make any choices at all.
Vote on March 11! (unless you’re one of those losers in the College of General Studies.)