Have you realized how much the next three weeks are going to suck? Are you stressed beyond belief? Did you procrastinate the entire second half of the semester saying “Oh, I’ll get caught up over Thanksgiving break,” and then did absolutely nothing last week? Has your professor been kind enough to move your exam up a week so they do not conflict with your other exams? Did ALL of your professors do this?
Well, here at The Pitiful News, we get it. We also have done absolutely nothing all semester and have decided to tell you our best methods for dealing with the marathon you’ll be running to finish out the semester.
1. Don’t go to class and catch up on your missing assignments
You haven’t been going to class all semester, so why start now? Use these valuable 50 minutes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to speed-write that final draft of your paper (first draft), vigorously answer those TopHat questions, and respond to that discussion board with unadulterated gusto. Now, this might not apply to the week before finals for review, but next week, forget about it. And even if you don’t do an assignment and spend the whole time watching an episode of Young Sheldon on TikTok, count it as a final preparation mental health day
2. Book a Hillman Study Room
This is a great idea if you’re willing to fight for your life in the LibCal system at midnight when the booking times for study rooms open. If you don’t want to fight the system and every other person on campus, times between 11 p.m. and 8 a.m. are always open. Even if you don’t want to book a study room, you can always try to find a seat in Hillman but good luck finding a seat that isn’t next to the loudest friend group imaginable on the fourth floor.
3. Try Studying
Just satire, don’t worry.
4. Drop Out
You will become the disappointment of your family (if you aren’t already) but that’s okay! The dropping out process is actually a lot easier than people realize. The talk with your advisor might be a little awkward and the one with your roommate might be worse but who cares. You will be infinitely happier and still able to get a respectable job telling people that the ice cream machine is broken at your hometown McDonald’s.