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World Peace on Hold as UN Adjourns for Early Lunch

Steven Underhill Oct 23, 2023
World Peace on Hold as UN Adjourns for Early Lunch
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At a quarter to noon this morning, the United Nations took a recess for a midday meal, hoping that the delegates would be able to “beat the downtown traffic,” per spokeswoman Candice Crawford.

“Officials voted on a key referendum this morning,” Crawford explained, “and the overwhelming consensus was to extend the adjournment throughout tomorrow, with a high likelihood of suspending sessions until next week.”

From sources within the UN council chambers, it is clear that some prepositions were more popular than others. “I was in favor of ordering take out,” claims a delegate who wished to remain anonymous, “but I have been itching to try out that new Thai place, and I hear they don’t do delivery unless you order through GrubHub, and I don’t have the app downloaded right now.”

Another delegate remarked that he would like to try out that “new escargot place,” as like him “those snails don’t have backbones.”

Yet another contentious topic on the floor of the UN is the escalating tensions between those who favor installing another bench press machine in the delegates’ gymnasium and those who want to save the space for another rowing machine. Threats and harsh words have been exchanged between the factions, in a desperate feud over which muscular groups will be the most glamorously toned.

Pro-bench press supporters have offered a compromise in the form of a 2 in 1 machine, however, Pro-rowing machine fanatics have refused to hear peace talks. It’s possible that another gymnasium will have to be constructed to accommodate any reasonable solution.

In its absence, the United Nations would like to ask anyone in the international community thinking about doing something bad to “not,” and that they would be “not angry, just disappointed” if something bad was still done anyway.