PITTSBURGH, PA— Mitchell Barber, a Pitt Sophomore, was utterly aghast upon learning that the election had passed him by. “I was like, shit, that was this year?” Barber told the Pitiful News. “I thought since it was a leap year, they would skip it or something.”
Mitchell sports two large Band-Aids in the shape of an “x” on his forehead after he knocked repeatedly against it while muttering, “stupid, stupid, stupid.” He also carries a large handkerchief in case of bouts of hysterical crying. “I’m so upset. I know my vote is my voice, and that every vote counts. And I know it especially matters since we’re in a swing state. I feel like I’ve let everybody down.”
Some students have remained skeptical as to how Barber had been oblivious to the election, noting the almost overwhelming amount of voter advocacy on campus occurring within the last month. “Some dude on the sidewalk asked if I was registered to vote. I said ‘no.’ He fucking pulled my pants down,” recalls Senior Greg Darney. Other students complained about student organization YouWillVote’s notorious and short-lived military checkpoint stationed at the Cathedral of Learning which, “encouraged” students to register.
Mitchell just shrugs. “I’d like to say I’m pretty observant, so I don’t know how I didn’t see anything.” It should be noted that Barber refuses to remove his Apple Vision Pro.
How Barber avoided the deluge of text messages urging people to financially back candidates is even more surprising. Junior Rebecca Byu shared her experience. “I’m in so much debt from donating. One text said it would ‘700%-MATCH’ my donation, so I gave $10,000 I had saved up from sports gambling that I was going to put towards paying off my student loans. I will never financially recover from this.” First-year Josh Doily tells a different story. “Yeah, they can be annoying, but at least I’m going to get a free $100 Amazon gift card. Can you believe it? All I had to do was click a link. I hope it arrives soon!”
“I guess you don’t get those if you use WeChat. I don’t know anyone in China; I just really like the color green,” Barber explained.
Barber has appeared to have missed every single source of election news. When asked how he avoided political ads on both mainstream and social media, Barber said, “I only watch House M.D. on VHS.” When asked how he avoided news from any of his peers, Barber replied, “I think it’s because of this weird tick I have where when other people are talking, I put my fingers in my ears and go, ‘LALALALA!’ Wild, right?”
Unfortunately, soon after our interview with him, Barber dropped out after “too many people were pointing at him and yelling, ‘SHAME!’” The Pitiful News fully endorses this line of action.