We, the “For Us, Panthers” Slate, are running in the upcoming election for SGB. We value honesty, so we’re giving our platform to The Pitiful News, the most trustworthy news site on our great campus, to share with potential voters.
1. Companies and wealthy donors will be allowed to pay SGB members for legislation that benefits them.
We here at the “For Us, Panthers” slate believe that SGB will be greatly improved if its campaign finance laws are almost the same as they are in the U.S. Congress. We disagree a little bit with the current laws in one way: donations to candidates and board members should not have to be disclosed. The Koch brother is mad that people are able to know that he donates to most of the SGB candidates for them not to take a stand against Pitt’s fossil fuel usage. He would prefer that people kept on not knowing that.
2. The SGB dress code will be updated to match the current times.
The current dress code for SGB meetings is currently suits and other formal wear. If elected, this slate promises that meeting attire is updated to represent who we really are. It will change business suits into clown suits. It will change pocket squares into those infinite handkerchiefs that come out of the sleeves. It will change faces with or without normal makeup into faces with clown makeup and those red noses clowns have. These attire changes will only apply during SGB meetings. However, these attire changes will be applied permanently to business majors.
3. Declare war on the branch campuses.
We’re going to destroy the branch campuses by militarizing the secret Pitt army located on one of the Cathedral’s floors that nobody uses. Let’s be honest, you may have forgotten Pitt has branch campuses so we don’t think anyone will miss them. Obviously, these changes won’t affect the education department at Greensburg because all of us are huge fans of their department head (and not because we’re scared of her, love you, Mom).
Some promises we intend to keep:
- We promise to make life here on campus worse for everyone
- We promise to block all access from upper to lower campus
- We promise to not support the faculty and staff union
- We promise to not make any real change to solve Pitt’s dependency on fossil fuels
- We promise to add another police force to the Oakland area in addition to the Pittsburgh one, the University of - Pittsburgh one, the CMU one, the Carlow one, and the UPMC one
- We promise to try to throw a coup d’etat and create an autocracy
Thank you for reading Panthers and remember to vote for us in the upcoming SGB elections.