PITTSBURGH, PA—In a surprising new paper, sure to send shockwaves across your department, a multi-part investigative study has found that your major, dear reader, is, in fact, the worst of all possible choices. The study’s leader, Jeff Notanidiot, said this about the findings: “It could never be me. Whoever would choose this major is really just asking for it. On every single level, the results came back negative.”
Notanidiot, along with a group of all major employers, concluded that not only have you wasted your time and money on this major, but that you—specifically—are supremely unemployable. “I really hate to publish these results,” Notanidiot said, “I know it will affect the dumbasses who chose this track and their families.”
In addition to near-zero employability, the group found that the projected average wage for someone in your major is a paltry single pat-on-the-back a year. The field itself is expected to reach practical extinction within two years of your graduation. Your major even faired negatively in terms of divine judgment. “We reached out to the Almighty, ” Notanidiot recounted, “and he kind of hated your major and thought it was maybe even sinful.”
The team also discovered that a diploma with your major is significantly less flammable than any other, failing even their kindling test. “It was just stunning,” said Notanidiot, “I mean, everyone on the team knew from the start that your major was going to be the worst in every regard, but the degree still shocked and, frankly, frightened us.”
We reached out to Pitt administration, both University-wide and at the affected department, for comment. In their official letterhead, the University responded, “No Refunds.”