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Opinion: The Cathedral is a Phallic Stain Upon This Campus
I’ll be the first one to say it – the cathedral’s got to go. It’s not because it’s old, or poorly lit inside. It’s not because the desks are falling apart and the bathroom is always o...
In Opinion, Oct 25, 2023
World Peace on Hold as UN Adjourns for Early Lunch
At a quarter to noon this morning, the United Nations took a recess for a midday meal, hoping that the delegates would be able to “beat the downtown traffic,” per spokeswoman Candice ...
In Politics, Oct 23, 2023
Best Places to Puke on Campus (Verified)
Flu season is here and with it brings that suffocating sickly air that permeates the nostrils and scrambles the brains around. We at The Pitiful News recognize that it can be difficul...
In Student Life, Oct 18, 2023
Kitchen Hacks for Busy Moms on the Run
Hey moms! We all have those days. John has to get picked up from school and dropped off at karate, Lacy needs poster board for her project due tomorrow, and you still have to make it ...
In Food and Culture, Oct 17, 2023
Eatery to Introduce NFTs to dining experience
The Eatery, along with many other dining halls found at other NCAA Div 1 schools, have started a line of NFTs which consist of the college logos as pixel art. The “art” will grant buy...
In Food and Culture, Oct 17, 2023
Protests briefly disrupt Board of Trustees meeting; administrators displeased
A series of disruptive actions interrupted the University of Pittsburgh’s Board of Trustees meeting on September 29. In the aftermath, administrators’ feelings on the disruptions rang...
In Current, Oct 16, 2023
Brave police and security guards hold back ruthless Pitt students from rushing the field after upset win
On Saturday, October 14th, the Pittsburgh Panthers pulled off a shocking upset win against undefeated ACC opponent Louisville. Coming into the matchup at Acrisure Stadium Heinz Field,...
In Sports, Oct 16, 2023
Professor Apologizes After Rescheduling Office Hours No One Planned to Attend to Begin With
In an email memo sent out this afternoon, HIST 0187 Professor Fulcrum Banks apologized profusely for rescheduling his Wednesday office hours from 12-1 pm to 2-3 pm EST. Banks cited a ...
In Student Life, Sep 29, 2023
Oakland’s Vigilantes Plead Residents to Refrain From Screaming “Help” in Middle of Night Unless in Sincere Danger
Many of Oakland’s very own amateur crimestoppers have begun to speak out against a viral trend where participants out in public loudly scream that they are in peril and require immedi...
In Student Life, Sep 29, 2023
Dr. Oz declared winner of Pennsylvania Senate race after thousands of absentee ballots arrive from New Jersey at the 11th hour
In a shocking turn of events, noted pseudoscientist and Harvard alumnus Dr. Mehmet Oz has been declared the winner of the Pennsylvania senate race after thousands of mail-in ballots p...
In Politics, Nov 15, 2022
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Nordenberg Hall sets fire to its own residents in a bout of revenge, Resident Director claims
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University of Pittsburgh Dining Hall Gets Name Change
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The Best LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga Easter Eggs You Probably Missed!
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Questionable Roommate Pact: Pitt Student Forced into Lifetime Indentured Servitude
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