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Oakland’s Vigilantes Plead Residents to Refrain From Screaming “Help” in Middle of Night Unless in Sincere Danger
Many of Oakland’s very own amateur crimestoppers have begun to speak out against a viral trend where participants out in public loudly scream that they are in peril and require immedi...
In Student Life, Sep 29, 2023
Dr. Oz declared winner of Pennsylvania Senate race after thousands of absentee ballots arrive from New Jersey at the 11th hour
In a shocking turn of events, noted pseudoscientist and Harvard alumnus Dr. Mehmet Oz has been declared the winner of the Pennsylvania senate race after thousands of mail-in ballots p...
In Politics, Nov 15, 2022
Nordenberg Hall sets fire to its own residents in a bout of revenge, Resident Director claims
On Saturday, September 17th, Nordenberg Hall experienced its third fire-related evacuation of the semester. The hall, mainly inhabited by freshman students and misfortunate Resident A...
In Student Life, Oct 18, 2022
University of Pittsburgh Dining Hall Gets Name Change
As of October 1, 2022, The Eatery at Towers will now go by the name of The Shittery. This name change comes after multiple gastroenterologists at the University of Pittsburgh Medical ...
In Food and Culture, Oct 05, 2022
South Oakland Announces Rebrand to ‘Soak Land’ for Summer Season, Replaces Sidewalks with Slip-and-Slides
Today, officials of Pittsburgh’s best and brightest neighborhood announced a change that might take some getting used to. In a shocking move, the home for most of the University of Pi...
In Current, Jul 11, 2022
Opinion: It’s Time to Repeal the Third Amendment
Okay, okay, settle down now. I know that all of you 3rd Amendment stans might take this the wrong way, but I can assure you that I will have changed your mind on this subject by the e...
In Opinion, Jun 07, 2022
The Best LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga Easter Eggs You Probably Missed!
The brand new LEGO Star Wars game is finally here, and it’s everything we’ve been waiting for! Outside of the amazing main storyline, there are TONS of quirky easter eggs hidden aroun...
In Entertainment, May 05, 2022
I’m a Russian Sleeper Agent
I don’t want to sound ungrateful but, I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I mean this is not new, I have been waiting for years and I have not gotten any more instructions. Also,...
In Politics, Apr 06, 2022
An All-encompassing Guide to the 2022 Final Four
Well, well, well. Look who’s back. Your bracket is busted, your hopes and dreams have been ground into little chunks, and you need some last-ditch betting advice to afford a rose for ...
In Sports, Apr 02, 2022
Celebrating Encanto’s Run on the Billboard Hot 100
Disney’s smash-hit animated movie Encanto makes history with its song “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”, which held the number one spot of the Billboard Hot 100 for just over 5 weeks after ...
In Entertainment, Mar 16, 2022
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Pitt Athletic Department to Defund Electric Scooters, Improve Gameday Performance
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Opinion: Pitt Med Research Filled with Incomprehensible Jargon
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Pitt Student Surprised to Learn Poor Mood Result of Self-Destructive Habits
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Pitt Clubs “Finally Get It” After Reveal That All Internal Communications in SORC is Handled by One Very Overworked Carrier Pigeon
In Student Life,