Opinion: It’s Time to Repeal the Third Amendment

“For Us, Panthers” Slate Platform

We, the “For Us, Panthers” Slate, are running in the upcoming election for SGB. We value honesty, so we’re giving our platform to The Pitiful News, the most trustworthy news site on o...

Opinion: The Pitiful News Endorses Joan Gabel Jr. For SGB

Wowee, we actually have a student government election this year!

Admin Suspends Kendrick Lamar Fanclub From Campus

Vice Provost of Student Affairs Carla Panzella, Dean of Students Marlin Nabors, and the Office of Student Conduct have moved to suspend the Kendrick Lamar Fanclub from campus, effecti...

Opinion: Hailee Steinfeld Deserves A More Successful Fiancé

On January 26th, the Buffalo Bills yet again lost to the Kansas City Chiefs in the AFC Championship. The Bills’ fourth straight playoff loss to Kansas City has cemented another chapte...

Pitiful News Writer Fired From Campus Job For Sharing Article

A staff writer for The Pitiful News has been fired from his job as a reservations attendant at the William Pitt Union after he shared an article in the workplace.

Emergency Vehicles Converge on Nordenberg for 'no reason in particular'

OAKLAND—Today, University Place, home to the feared and revered ‘Nordenberg Hall,’ saw a common sight: an assorted jumble of dawdling emergency vehicles. The scant road was home to an...

Devastated Pitt Student Had No Idea There Was An Election

PITTSBURGH, PA— Mitchell Barber, a Pitt Sophomore, was utterly aghast upon learning that the election had passed him by. “I was like, shit, that was this year?” Barber told the Pitifu...

Opinion: Pitt Med Research Filled with Incomprehensible Jargon

In a revolutionary new study released this week by the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, top researchers have pushed the boundaries of scientific understanding using words ...

Reasons We'd Believe Panther Pit Will Be Raided

Pitt Student Surprised to Learn Poor Mood Result of Self-Destructive Habits

In a shocking turn of events this morning, Junior Lucas Strasburg discovered that his long-running mental slump has been the result of his self-destructive habits and tendencies. Alth...