Opinion: It’s Time to Repeal the Third Amendment

Devastated Pitt Student Had No Idea There Was An Election

PITTSBURGH, PA— Mitchell Barber, a Pitt Sophomore, was utterly aghast upon learning that the election had passed him by. “I was like, shit, that was this year?” Barber told the Pitifu...

Reasons We'd Believe Panther Pit Will Be Raided

Pitt Student Surprised to Learn Poor Mood Result of Self-Destructive Habits

In a shocking turn of events this morning, Junior Lucas Strasburg discovered that his long-running mental slump has been the result of his self-destructive habits and tendencies. Alth...

Study finds most useless major is one you, the reader, have

PITTSBURGH, PA—In a surprising new paper, sure to send shockwaves across your department, a multi-part investigative study has found that your major, dear reader, is, in fact, the wor...

Insider Report: NASA Frantically Trying to Fake Landing on Earth’s Temporary Mini-Moon

If you’re a massive nerd or someone who blames all your problems on the phases of the moon (we’re looking at you, lycanthropes), you might have heard that Earth will temporarily have ...

My Acceptable Gingers

Regardless of politics, backgrounds, and your steak temperature preference, we can all agree that gingers are what’s holding modern society back from achieving a future like the one f...

We Asked 100 Pitt Students What WVU Stands For

Here’s what they said:.West Virginia’s UndiesWoefully Vast UnderworldWomen Vote? UghWestern Virginia UniversityWest Vermin UniversityWest Vagrant UniversityWest Viagra UniversityWest ...

Pitt Clubs “Finally Get It” After Reveal That All Internal Communications in SORC is Handled by One Very Overworked Carrier Pigeon

In a recent email to Pitt organization officers, SORC staff apologized for a temporary freeze in deposits and distributions, explaining that “Herald” had broken his wing which would i...

To Our Surprise, 'Pittsburgh Popcorn Company' in Oakland Actually Not Front for the Mob

Have you ever seen anyone enter or leave from the popcorn shop on Fifth Avenue? Have you ever even noticed anyone working behind the counter, or witnessed a stranger walking along, ea...

Pitt Students Celebrate Irrevocable Effects of Climate Change With Games, Festivities

This afternoon Pitt students could be seen on the Cathedral Lawn and in Schenley Plaza enjoying concerning levels of ultraviolet and thermal radiation. To celebrate the ever-increasin...